A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answered Murphy.
The doctor went fishing and returned the following day and asked: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients... "The first one had a headache so he did...so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asked the doctor...
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon... so I did sir" said Murphy...
"Bravo, bravo!...You're good at this and what about the third one?" asked the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flew open and a young gorgeous woman burst in so she did... Like a bolt outta the blue, she tore off her clothes, took off everyting including her bra and her panties and lay down on the table, spread her legs and shouted: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick...For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" Asked the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes"
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
The 6 Affairs
The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
*****************************************************************
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'
****************************************************************
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Bob, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Bob had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Bob,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Bob is dead!'
******************************************************************
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
****************************************************************
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
******************************************************************
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied...
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
*****************************************************************
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'
****************************************************************
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Bob, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Bob had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Bob,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Bob is dead!'
******************************************************************
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
****************************************************************
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
******************************************************************
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied...
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
Top 10 Signs Of A Tech-Savvy Toddler
A three-year-old New Zealand girl recently bought a $NZ20,000 ($15,790) digger on an online auction site.
Here are the top 10 signs a toddler is too tech-savvy.
10. The child's profile has administrative privileges and yours doesn't.
9. They inform you their nappy needs changing by posting to Twitter.
8. They have 74 friends on Facebook, which you discover when you sign up and find yourself as a friend-of-a-friend.
7. Your parental failures are reported online to Child Services with a link to YouTube video.
6. They know how to make the DVR play the same episode of Timmy Time on endless repeat, so they can watch it again ... and again ... and again ...and again ... It's Timmy! It's Timmy! He's the little lamb who's driving us nuts.
5. You start receiving unexpected royalties for a book called Advanced J2EE Application Development for toddlers.
4. They publicly advise you on operating the more complex aspects of your mobile phone. If they were, say, five it would be expected, but at age two it's really embarrassing.
3. A delivery from your online grocer arrives unexpectedly and consists solely of Kinder Surprises, Tiny Teddies and Paddle Pops.
2. They don't want to go to school like big brother/sister, they're too busy making money online.
1. They refer to naptime as "Energy Saver".
Here are the top 10 signs a toddler is too tech-savvy.
10. The child's profile has administrative privileges and yours doesn't.
9. They inform you their nappy needs changing by posting to Twitter.
8. They have 74 friends on Facebook, which you discover when you sign up and find yourself as a friend-of-a-friend.
7. Your parental failures are reported online to Child Services with a link to YouTube video.
6. They know how to make the DVR play the same episode of Timmy Time on endless repeat, so they can watch it again ... and again ... and again ...and again ... It's Timmy! It's Timmy! He's the little lamb who's driving us nuts.
5. You start receiving unexpected royalties for a book called Advanced J2EE Application Development for toddlers.
4. They publicly advise you on operating the more complex aspects of your mobile phone. If they were, say, five it would be expected, but at age two it's really embarrassing.
3. A delivery from your online grocer arrives unexpectedly and consists solely of Kinder Surprises, Tiny Teddies and Paddle Pops.
2. They don't want to go to school like big brother/sister, they're too busy making money online.
1. They refer to naptime as "Energy Saver".
Crotchless knickers.....
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge suite opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ....... enough times until her husband asks....... "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank goodness for that....... I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite."
...Suffice to say, the husband is now suffering a medical condition which would make satisfying his wife a very painful process indeed.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge suite opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ....... enough times until her husband asks....... "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank goodness for that....... I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite."
...Suffice to say, the husband is now suffering a medical condition which would make satisfying his wife a very painful process indeed.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Pink Dots Illusion
If your brain works normally this is neat.
The last sentence is true.
If your eyes follow the movement of the rotating pink dot,the dots will remain only one colour, pink...
However if you stare at the black '+' in the centre, the moving dot turns to green.
Now, concentrate on the black '+ ' in the centre of the picture.
After a short period, all the pink dots will slowly disappear. You will see only a single green dot rotating.
It's amazing how our brain works.
There really is no green dot, and the pink ones really don't disappear.
This should be proof enough, we don't always see what we think we see.
The Theory of Intelligence
I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than the way Cliff Clavin described it to his drinking buddy Norm Peterson in the TV show Cheers.
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.'
'In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.'
'And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
See, beer is good for you!
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.'
'In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.'
'And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
See, beer is good for you!
Men's Pearls of Wisdom
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big dick or a good memory. I can't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity...
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialler were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
Send these to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humour.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity...
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialler were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
Send these to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humour.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Monkey Business
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers' efforts dwindled.
Then the announcement came that he would buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The gentleman increased his offer to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
Then, the most exciting offer of all! He would now be buying monkeys at $50! However, he had to go to the city on some business, so his assistant would now buy on his behalf. In the absence of the businessman, the assistant said to the villagers:
"Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 apiece. When the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each!"
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought every last monkey.
They never saw the man or his assistant again, and they were stuck with lousy monkeys everywhere!
And now...
You have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
Then the announcement came that he would buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The gentleman increased his offer to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
Then, the most exciting offer of all! He would now be buying monkeys at $50! However, he had to go to the city on some business, so his assistant would now buy on his behalf. In the absence of the businessman, the assistant said to the villagers:
"Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 apiece. When the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each!"
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought every last monkey.
They never saw the man or his assistant again, and they were stuck with lousy monkeys everywhere!
And now...
You have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
New Zealand's Condom Emergency
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand, is rudely awoken at 4 am by the telephone.
'Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.!!!'
PM: 'Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!'
Hilth Munister: 'We're going to hef to shup some in from... Brutain?...'
PM: 'No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!'
Health Munister: 'What about Australia ?'
PM: 'I'll call Kevin Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten unches long and eight unches thuck! That way they'll continue to respect the All Blacks!!'
Three days later a delighted Helen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. With small writing on each one.........
'MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM'
Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie .... Oy Oy Oy!
(Thanks Dad for sending me this one)
'Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.!!!'
PM: 'Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!'
Hilth Munister: 'We're going to hef to shup some in from... Brutain?...'
PM: 'No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!'
Health Munister: 'What about Australia ?'
PM: 'I'll call Kevin Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten unches long and eight unches thuck! That way they'll continue to respect the All Blacks!!'
Three days later a delighted Helen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. With small writing on each one.........
'MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM'
Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie .... Oy Oy Oy!
(Thanks Dad for sending me this one)
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